My S.S.W.I: Switching Seats While Intoxicated.

Drinking while driving is never a good idea. Neither is switching seats with your best friend who was driving your car while you are pulled over. Yep, that is what I did which caused me to become arrested for the first time, and well as become officially black by my friends from Huntersville.

It was Oct. 30, 2009, one day before Halloween, and one of my buddies was having a get together before he was sent off to the Navy. Well, naturally me and my friends wanted to send him a proper good bye by having a few drinks with him before he was sent off.

Well, I decided to take my friends Mike and Rodney with me to this gathering. Mike and Rodney natually didn't have a car, so I decided to drive. We drive up to Davidson and arive to our destination. Well, once we get there we procide to walk inside and I ask Rodney if he minded driving my car back home because I wanted to drink. He said he wouldn't mind, and that he would drive my car back home.

That was mistake one, If you ever decide to drive your car to a destination, you have to take the responsibily to drive your friends home as well, well being young and simply a dumb ass I didn't do that.

That get together that night was a pretty fun time. We all had a few drinks, caught out with some old friends, hung out with some German girls, but most importantly said bye to my friend Dyami who was about to be shipped out to the Navy. When the party ended, we all left with  Rodney driving my car, myself in the pansager seat, and Mike in the back seat.

Rodney then gets on I-77 south bound heading a few miles towards are exit in Huntersville. He was sober enough to drive, so I wasn't worried at all about him crashing my car, or worst which would for him to harm another individual. He naturally turns up some Lil Wayne, and start blasting "Best Rapper Alive". He contineue to drive below the speed limit until all of a sudden he screams out, "Holy Shit." I then realize a Cop is flashing his lights behind us as Rodney slows down and pulls over the side of the of the interstate.

Once Rodney pulls over the car, he then turns to me and says, "Oh shit, I don't have a licence, switch seats with me."

Let me mention this right quickly. I temporally forgot that my friend did not have a licence when he volunteered to drive my car home.  Again, when I gave my permission to drive my car, I forget he did not have a licence. I do not understand why he would volunteer to drive my car if he did not have a valid licence. But that's beside the point. Anyway, back to my story.

Well, I then decide to switch seats with my friend. Yes, I switch seats in front of two cops in a tiny Jetta with my friend. It was more then obvious that the cops saw us, went up to both Rodney and I, told us to get out of the car, and arrested us on the spot. We get assisted to the back of the cop car where he drives us off to the police station a mile away. As for our friend Mike who was in the back of the car at the time, the cops leave him on the side of the interstate for him to find a ride.

Rodney then said the funniest thing in my life. He turns to me and says "Devin, your officially black now, you finally got arressted." I then bust out laughing in the back of the cop car.

We continue to drive to the police station and the cops question start questioning about the night.. We then proceeds to tell the cops the story of why we switch seats. Soon after the cop turns to me and says these words. "Props to you kids for looking out for your buddy, I would of probably have done the same thing when I was your age."

Well, I guess I'm glad the cop the same cop that arrested me was in approval of the situation that caused me to get arrested by him. But that didn't stop him from taking us downtown and having us wait to be bailed out by our friend's sister.

I ended up losing my licence for a month and had to go to court. While this was the first time I  was ever arrested, I ended up using my prayer for judgement and got off with only a fine under 200 dollars and single driving class. It wasn't until after after my court date that I found out the reason why we got arrested.

And the reason is because my dad had a warrant for his arrested. Apparently my dad just decide not to go to court two years after being sued over a misunderstanding between himself and former therapist of mine.

-Don't ask why my dad got sued by my therapist. I can proudly say it didn't have anything to do with me though.The reason can be possibly be relieved in a future blog post.-

Well, since my car is in both mine and my fathers name, when the cops ran our licence plate, it notified them that my father had a warrant for his arrest. That caused the cops to have a probable cause to pull us over.

Yes, the reason why we got pulled over was not even because of  my friends driving. It was because my dad just didn't go to court. And the reason why I got a D.W.I was not because I was driving while intoxicated, It was because I decided to switch seats with my friend who was.

And was this experience worth it. Yes, It motivated me to stop partying so much and get my shit together in school as well as made me realize that life is more then just the next drunken outing. This D.W.I made me realize I am at a point in my life where I need to start focusing on what I need to progress to the next step in life. In short, this D.W.I caused me to mature as a person really fast.

But most importantly,all my friends from my hometown which have been calling me white for years; well being arrested for this D.W.I. caused them officially recognize me as a Black Man.

And you don't really understand how important that is to someone who hasbeen  called white for the last 7 years of your life.

If your don't enjoy Holidays Meals at Golden Corral........Then Fuck You

On the Wendesday before thanksgiving this past year, I though it was going to be one of the worst ones of my life. It turned out despite my situations to be one of the best ones ever.

Earlier that week, my sister stole a large sum of money from my dads checking account. The reason she did is is wrong, yet I feel it was quite justifiable giving her situation. Well, by the time Thanksgiving came around, my Dad and little sister were perfectly content with not doing anything for Thanksgiving because of the lack of finances.

Myself though, was not going to let that stand.

I went to the local ATM and took out about $40, which was almost all money and went back home. I told them we are going to have a meal as a family, and you will enjoy it. We all decided to go out to golden corral to eat. Once at the buffet restaurant, we chit chatted and a general good time enjoying our meals with truckers, widowed elderly men, and really cheap red-neck family.

That night my Thanksgiving got even better. I had a good friend that moved to Wilmington two years earlier who I haven't seen since he left. Anyway, he called me that night because he was in town, and we met up. We ended up catching up for almost an hour on my front porch talking about life, which also happen to be one of the most meanful convosations I had with a person during that year.

After me and Jake eat at Golden Corral, we ended up going to Fox and Hound to have a few beers with my friend Rob and my friend Rodney's mom. (Rodney didn't have a valid I.D. then, so I beleived he couldn't go out drinking with us). After having a few drinks, we ended up going out seperate ways.

Doesn't sound to amazing of a day does it? But it was. Two days earlier I thought I was going to have the worst Thanksgiving of my life, but it ended up being the total and complete opposite. I saw a friend I havn't seen in two years, and had an awsome meal with my family during one of the worst situations we have been though during our lives.

And If you don't understand why my Thanksgiving meal at Golden Corral is totally and completly fuckin awsome.

Well............fuck you then.

Waking up on the wrong side of the bed.

Today I woke up on the wrong side of the bed, to say the least. I woke up this morning having suicidal thoughts.

This is not the first time I woke up having suicidal thoughts. I been having them more and more these past two weeks.  I tried to clear my head of  them this morning by going for a run. I got in my car and started to drive off to the park, yet, I couldn't get enough motivation in myself to pursue that simple activity.I then decided to turn the car around an precede back to my house. I then debated going to Harris Teeter and buying a shit done of pills for me to take all at once, and maybe some cough syrup to wash them down with. I wouldn't take enough that would kill me, but only enough that would cause me to pass out for the rest of the day. I then soon realize that substance isn't an answer to my pain inside, and continue to go back home.

A year ago I would of taken those pills, but today I didn't. I would of took those pills, turned off my phone, and lay in such a high state that I didn't because I realized the real reason why I would want to do that for myself.

The reason why I would want to do that to myself is for attention, yet, its attention that I don't want from my friends or family. I don't want people knowing I get in these states, yet it will be nice for people to really do know how low I get at times.

You see, when someone suffers from depression like myself, they get into moods where I literally lose track on all the good things in there life. They forget about the friends they have and the family which cares about them. They forget about the movies they love, the music that moves them, and even the little things in your day that make you smile like kit-kat bar from the gas station. You literally stop caring about everything.

Yet, there are few things I realized when I get in these states. One of them is its only temporary, and these felling will end soon. I only need to ride the waves through them. The second thing I realized is that I became really good at hiding my emotions. I'm sure the people I work with, my friends, and my family can tell that I'm having a bad day, but there really is no point for me to go in detail of what I really feel on the inside. Believe me, it really gets old when people ask you whats wrong, when they don't really care to listen to what you honestly have to say. The third things I readied is talking it out with people doesn't do me much help any more. The majority of people just don't know how I feel, and asking them for help is just a waste of all there time. That is why I didn't call any of them when I pretty close to buying those pills.

And that what comes to my biggest problem I face in life. I just tend to bottle up all my emotions all the time. I bottle up and bottle up until I literally explode in a rage of anger and depression. But can you blame me? Can you? Other then writing, I have no outlet for my true emotional state. I have a few people I can depend on, but they even get tired of the bull shit after a while.

I get so frustrated  going to my friends with my emotional bull shit because they just don't know how I really feel on the inside. I'm tired of hearing things like, "Devin, you just analyze your life to much." or "Devin, just snap out of it, things are going well for you, so you shouldn't get depressed." My favorite is "Devin, we had this convocation before, and I just don't know how to help you". But they seem to say it in a manor in which they don't want to face that conservation because they get tired of my emotional bull shit.

Yet, when I do something completely irrational like take a shit tone of sleeping pills, that's when my friends freak out. They ask me "why would you do this to yourself, don't you understand that people care about you".  Yet the whole time they express how much they cared about me, the whole time I'm thinking I tried to tell you a few weeks ago, but you just didn't want to hear me vent for a half hour or so. Thais why people who suffer from depression start to withdraw from there friends. They give up on turning to them as a support system because they realize they can't help you become happy. Only you can make yourself become happy.

Again, only you can make yourself become happy.

And I learned that truth in one of the hardest manors possible.

But the fact of the matter is people who suffer from depression go through cycles where they get lose all there motiatation and want to give up on "life"  And even though a individual who suffers from depression is doing any and everything possible to get themselves happy, they still are going to get in those cycles in which they simply depressed as fuck

So what am I going to to do today. I don't know. I might just sit around and smoke cigarettes and watch movies in a pool of self pity. On a plus side, when I'm in moods like this, that is when I am most motivated as a writer. I will probably end up doing that the majority of the day. If I do get the energy to go hang out with someone, I'm not going to tell them whats really on my mind. I'm simply going to smile, keep the convocations on the surface, and simply move through my day.

Yet swimming in a pool of self pity is better then floating on cloud 9 high on a bunch of drug store pills. And a year ago, I would be high off my ass right now crying on the ground asking god why no one in this worlds understand how alone, insecure, and simply feel worthless at time. But as the years go on, I learned how to manage my lows more to prevent substances as an answer for my depression.

Plus the last time I used pills for an answer, I ended up in a psychiatric hospital for two weeks. And from my lows from depression in the past, I learned what not to do to end up back inside that psychiatric hospital.

It's funny, In a few days I'm going to go over and read this wanting to smack myself for posting this, but I need to put this online. I need this to reflect when I'm in a better mental state for me to realized how depressed I was, and how close I was to doing something irrational. And i'm sure no one is going to read this post anyway, but if they do I wan't them to try to get an inside on how I really feel at times. I want them to have an incite to a Devin that few people know or see. An incite to a Devin that he tries not to show many people.  An incite to a Devin that people wouldn't never expect was in him, but is there.

Who knows, maybe by 4:00 p.m. I will be my usual happy self again. Maybe I will still be in that pool of self pity. What really matters is whats going on with now, which is me using writing as a tool for my depression, in stead of substance.

I think a few minutes after I post this, I'm going to  try to go for a walk today in a park in south Charlotte. Maybe even pay a game of disc golf by myself to take my mind off of shit

I'm sure that will make me smile.

And a smile is honestly the best cure for a depressed individual.

Manic Confessions

Hello, my name is Devin Phillips, and I suffer from manic depression, also known as bi-polar disorder.

Manic depression is a mood disorder that has the potential to effects every aspect of your life. In a nut shell, you go through periods of depression for an extended period of time. At the same time the individual who has manic depression can go through periods where they have vast amounts of energy known as manic. There is also a state called a mix episode, where you switch in between the two moods on a daily, if not hourly basis for an extended period of time

My disorder has effected my life in more ways then I can count. I have been hospitalize for an extended period several times in my life because of it. It has caused me to go through countless therapist, medicinal, and hours sitting around smoking cigarettes in a state of  self pity wondering why I can't make my self  happy. 

My disorder also gave me the gift to become a very creative person. Individuals who have been diagnosed with manic depression tend to be more creative then the average person. I found that to become true for myself, my manic and depressive episodes has help me focus my outlet in life towards song writing, creative writing, and many other artistic out lets.

It has effected my relationships with my family and friends in ways I can not imaginary. I have lost friends before who couldn't handle my unpredictability towards my moods. 

And that used to piss me the fuck off.

Like last year, I was sent to the psychiatric hospital for about two weeks. I then I remember about a week or two after I got out of the hospital a selected group of friends decided to stop asking me to go out drinking because they felt that I would "ruin" there good time because of my emotional issues. I remember this stereotypical frat guy who would associate with us went up to one of my good friends and said in a quite voice, "Don't tell Devin about us going out tonight, we just want to have a good time." 

And that was one of the most hurtful things anyone has ever done to me. Just outright ignore the problems of someone who is mentally ill because of the possibility someone might need someone to talk to in a time of need. I even called this girl I knew who been through a similar situation with some of the same people. She out right told me over the phone that I shouldn't look for them for emotional support because all they really care about is having a good time. She said some other things about them, but I'm not going to say that because I don't feel  that way towards them, but it was some of the strongest opinions I ever heard about thenm. 

When I found that out, I simply stop going out and getting drunk with them.  I had other friends who knew about my disorder and were not to off put by it to outright avoid me, so I drank with them instead of that group of drinking buddies I knew.

I also pushed people out of my life. The best example of this is I was once so depressed because of my family  issues I literally turned one of my friends into a therapist for about a two month period. At that time, I honestly couldn't turn to anyone in my family for emotional support. And because of vast amounts of problems I had the consular at my college said that I couldn't talk to them.

- Yes, if you have a shit ton of problems and want to go to a school consular, they won't help you out if they feel your problems are too serious. They tend to only like to listen to kids being home sick, stressed from school, and having minor roommate issues. I don't see how  that makes any since to me, but I'm not going to go on and rant about that. But I didn't have some medical or ensurence information  or something random that prevented me from getting a professional consular at that time-

Anyway, I went towards her because she was a good listener. And I move than abused that right from here. Giving my situation, it is very understandable why I did that, but it wasn't fair towards her I put her in a position where I needed help from someone who wasn't in the position to  give it to me.

Well, she soon got frustrated towards me going to her with all my issues, which is extremely understandable giving the situation. And out of frustration, she started being extremely unnecessary assertive in her actions towards me. Even when I wasn't talking about my problems and having a good time, she would so do and say things that were dis respective and many time extremely rude. That continued for two or three weeks, and I didn't say anything to her about it.

Anyway........I soon found out that my sister stole a bunch of money form my dad preventing my dad from being able to buy groceries for that week. I was so upset when I found that out like any family member would be after hearing that information. Well, that girl I was just speaking of instant messaged me over facebook chat that day asking how I been? I responded with, "Shitty, I just found out my family can't afford food."

She was like "Omg, what can I do?"

I responded with "Stop being a total and complete bitch to me." Then went on a little rant of the things she did toward me the last sever weeks that caused me to developed that perception of her. Then quickly singed off line.

The next day, I found out she ended up literally crying all day because of what I said to her. "His family can't afford food, and I'm making it worst," is what soon learn what she was feeling that day.  I found out that she called her dad of what I said to her, as well as around to a few of her friends. She ended up getting drunk to cope with the fact I hurt her feeling  her so much from what I said.

Since that day, we only hung maybe 4 or 5 times. And because a minor misunderstanding this year, I can't honestly say I am not really friends with her anymore. And that hurts me so much inside because that one of the very few times that my emotional issues has caused me to push someone out of my life.

And I'm honestly not mad at here for doing so, because it is my fault I did this to her. And I have no one to blame for my actions except myself.

The point of all this is friends usually only want to have a good time with each other. Yes, they can give you a shoulder to cry one at times, but the many don't want to associate with people who need a little extra emotional support. It is draining to them to have to have a friend there close to that has a mood disorder. While they might like me as a person, when you ask for things from them that come from a deep and more emotional level, they get off put by it. Maybe its because they think I'm crazy. Maybe its they wan't to help you but they don't know how. Maybe its because they think your annoying at times because of something that your born with.Maybe they think I just doing it for attention, not understanding its attention that I don't want from them, but honestly need. But the fact of the matter is many people get off put by individuals with mood disorders because they simply don't understand how they effect an individual.

Yet, I can't hold it against people who don't understand the effects of bi-polarness. How can I? Unless they have it, there is no possible way they can understand what it is like to have a mood disorder. And if the root the actions of my friends at times is ignorance, i really can't hate them because of it. 

I wanted to at times, but I can't can't anymore.

Since these situations, I have learned to control my moods better so that it doesn't effect my friendships. I learned how to hide my emotions better, and become more selective to who and what I tell a select people what I feel. 

I am going to have this disorder my whole life. I'm going to have my up and I am going to have my downs. 

I'm just glad that I learn how to control my downs better now then how I used to in past. I'm still going to have them, but they get a little be less worst and less worst each time. 

And after all the situations I been in because of my bi-polar disorder, I can sleep a little bit easier at night knowing that my next down won't be as worst as the last one, while my up's will just continue to get higher.

Intoxication

Apparently I am way to emotionally honest when I'm intoxicated. I knew this for years, but I still continue to drink to the point where I filter what I say. Why is this.

Is it because I just want people to know what I'm thinking deep down inside?

No, If I tell people what I really feel its just come off extremely off putting. Even though everyone has similar opinion and feeling towards other people, we live in a thing called society where is it sometimes better to keep things to our selves.

Is it because I'm depressed and need an outlet for my emotions?

No, I do get depressed at times, but I usually just turn to writing, long runs, or something else as a form of a scapegoat for my troubles in life. I do admit I have use drugs and alcohol in my past for those reason, but I got to a point in my life where I don't need those substances to cope with my emotional issues.

Is it for attention then?

No, Hell No! If you get drunk and act a fool just for attention, simply put, your probably just a pathetic idiot.

Then what is the reason why I continue to drink to the point of intoxication where I open a window to my emotions.

Well, the reason is that I love the taste of alcohol.

You see, I love to drink. I love to go out with friends and have a good time, yet, if I enjoy drinking to the point where I just need to confess what I really think about someone or something, then that's just the price I have to pay for my love of alcohol.

If only there was a way that I can express my thoughts and emotions in a socially acceptable manner. Maybe something that I can write everything down, and only show the people that are genially interested in what I have to say, other than just saying in at at time and place where it can make my look extremely socially awkward.

If only there is thing that I can write my thoughts for those selected people could read them.

If only............

The Tale of my Jr. Prom

This is the story about Jr. Prom. This is one of the many interesting events that happened to me during my 4 years at North Mecklenburg High school. This set of events happened from February 2006 until May 2006.

To start this post off, I should inform you during the second half of my Jr. year of High School, I developed two huge crushes on two different girls. One was this nice, humble African American Girl who would later become our senior class president, and is currently involved with the Democratic Party of the United States of America . The second one was this crazy white bitch who used to skip every day and come into our English class high as hell, sell me pot in the years after graduation, who is currently producing Dub step in Charlotte North Carolina. Out of respect for the both of them, I won't post there names on this post

Around February of 2006, I saw humble black girl X randomly outside waiting for a ride after school. I was friends with her back in 8Th grade, and haven't spoken to her in 2 years until this meeting. We started chit chatting, and I ended the conversation saying we should hang out on Birkdale (which is an outdoor mall located in my hometown) this Sunday just to catch up. We hung out later that week, and with plans on hanging out again.

I came to school that next week happy knowing that I might have someone that I might could possibly be dating in the next few months. I went around telling all my friends about her, and they all agreed she would be a good fit for me. She told a few friend about our outing, including her best friend at the time who was in my math class. I distinctly remember to this day that her best friend told me, "humble black girl X tends to lead on guys all the time, so don't get your hopes up." If I would listen to her advice up front, then I would avoid a lot of problems later on.

At the same time, I was developing a huge crush on crazy white bitch X. I never knew why I started liking her so much. I don't really remember ever hanging out with her in High School, and the extent of our friendship was small talk in English class and conversation over Aim. But dispute the fact I honestly didn't know her that well, I still developed an huge crush on her.

Well, during the next few weeks, I hung out with humble black girl X a few more times, and talk to her over the phone every other night. Around March, I decided to ask her to prom. She politely said no, and told me she was going to go with her gay best friend. While a little upset and off put that she choose to go to a gay guy me over prom, I was quite prescient that she would change her mind and end up going with me.

A week or two later, we kept hanging out and such. Then one night, she decided to show me her prom dress before she showed anyone else outside her family, including her homosexual date. I took that as a sign that she wanted to go with me more. She ended up getting this green dress which she looked gorgeous in. Well, that motivated me to go a head and buy a matching green vest for my tux.

Yes, I bough a matching vest for a girl that wasn't my date to the prom, but don't worry, the story gets better.

Since humble black girl X decided not to go with me to prom, I decided to randomly ask crazy white bitch X. Since she honestly didn't know me well, she said no, and told me she was going to go with her best friend at the time. I understood that, and quite honestly didn't expect her to say yes to me when I ask her prom that day. But I figured the worst she could say no....and that what she did.

The weeks went by, and prom was just a few days away. I ended up decided to go with a few friends of mine in an SUV we rented. One of them had a date, the others date canceled on him last minute, and myself was single.

After a nice dinner at a semi fancy Chinese restaurant, ended up at our destination. The prom was being held in Bank of America Stadium, where the Carolina Panthers played there home games. We proceed inside, I dance with a few friends, and start having a good time.

I end up seeing random black girl X and start dancing with her for a few songs. After that I walk around the ball room, talk to a few more friends, and end up seeing crazy white bitch X. I think I had once dance with crazy white bitch X until she proposed something to me.

She turned to me and said, "hey, I have some coke in my purse, do you want to try some."

At that time, I have never done, nor seen cocaine in my life. But I wasn't thinking rationally at the time. Instead of saying no, I took this as a change to get to know my crush better. So I agreed to decide to do coke with her.

She was about to give me the bag, until I told her I was uncomfortable doing it by myself. Then one of us decided that we should just do it together inside of one of the bathroom stalls. So thinking that was a smart idea at the time, we both rush over to the male bathroom and huddle inside one of the stalls. She pulls it out and is about to do it, until I get a change of heart.

I then went up to her and said, "I'm not going to let you do this to yourself. I am not going to let you ruin your life." She responded with "It's really not a big deal, and I already spent 50 bucks on it so I'm going to get my moneys worth." "I responded with, "Here is 30 dollars, take this, I'll give you the other 20 by Monday.

We continue to argue until we here a knock on our bathroom stall. Instead of flushing the coke, crazy white bitch X simply puts it back inside her purse. We open the stall and we see two cops and our high school principle. He ask us both to step outside, so we did as we were told.

The cops started asking us why we were in the stall yelling at here. Then out of no where, I somehow bull shitted my ass off to prevent us from getting expelled form school and gaining a felony. I told the cops that she was my girl friend, and I just saw her making out with another guy. I then told them she saw me see her making out, and decided to follow me so that she could explain her actions. I then told her to avoid her, I ran inside the bathroom, but she decided to come and follow me in there anyway.

Then the cops ask us if we had any illegal substances on us. I said no, and crazy white bitch X said that she did have a aderal pill on her. She pulls out a mint can out of her purse and shows the officer the pill. The cops continue to question us for a few minutes, including the following two.

The cops then asked me why is her eyes so dilated. I responded with, "I don't know, that's the way they always are."

The cop then asked me, "Is she always this weird." I responded simply with "Yep."

The cops then said we were free to go, and for us to go about our day.

For the rest of the prom told a few friend that story, dance a little bit more, and went home to sleep.

And incase your wondering, I did not get laid that night unlike the majority of my peers that night.

And to put the icing on the cake, even despite my anti drug speech in the stall of the male bathroom, she ended up the snorting the coke with her friends that night.

The next Monday, the whole school found out about the story. I even remember kids in my psychology class at the time talking about it. This red neck kid went up to me saying "did you hear that crazy white bitch X tried to sell coke at prom?" I responded with "No, can you please tell me what happen." And right before he was able to explain the rumor he heard, the most stereotypical "scene kid" at our school turns to me and says, "what are you talking about, that was you in the bathroom stall."

Then that kid said one of the funniest things I have heard in my life.

He then said, "I just find this whole situation funny."

I responded with a very perplex tone of "Why."

He then simply said, "It's funny because your Devin."

Because of those events, that promoted me to not attend my Senior prom that next year. Still to this day, I felt that was a good idea.

Load Up On Gruges, And Bringing Your Friends

So this girl I know is moving to Colorado in about a week. She got a job with this Ameri-corps thing, which is basically a humanitarian based organization in which she will be doing some type of marking for them. She is where I wish I was in life right now, which is having a paid salary job with the fiscal stability to move anywhere across the country.

For most cases, when I have a friend move to a different state for a job and for school, I am usually totally excited to see them move on to the next step of life. But for this girl, its different. I honestly don't want her to go, at least not yet.

For the 10 of the last 12 months, I tried to get her totally and completely out of my life. The reasons in which I wanted to stop talking to her are very complex to say the least. Part of it is was she really was a shitty friend at times to me, part of with many emotional issues not related to her at all, and part of it was my immaturity to move past irrelevant issues of the past, and hold a grudge. I stop talking to her, deleted her number from my cell phone. Deleted her off facebook. And I would not go out drinking or attend a party in which I know she would be there. Around March of this year, I thought that I would never talk to her again and be perfectly content with it. It was want I wanted at the time, and I put myself in a position to make it perfectly clear I never wanted to associated with her again, and I succeeded.

Then life hit me like a ton of bricks. I found out that it was possible that I had developed a form of cancer, and it wasn't until that moment when I wanted to talk to her again. I remember that day I wanted to pick up my phone and call her, but I couldn't. I couldn't because I basically told her to completely and totally fuck off for the last 8 months of my life. I only told a few people about the scare, yet one of the people that I knew would care about an issue like that I put myself in a position not to be able to.

A few days later, I found out I didn't have cancer, and decided to write her a letter trying to save the friendship. She read it, and forgave me. I was honestly she did forgive me because if someone basically told me go fuck themselves for 8 or 9 months, I would be very reluctant o let them back into my life. But for whatever reason, she did, and I'm grateful for that.

Since then we hung out once or twice, and basically hung out like this whole thing didn't happen.

But looking back now, my actions towards her wasn't worth it at all. Instead of trying to fix the issues at the time I had with her, I thought she didn't deserve that respect from me and ignoring her was the best option. This was the first time I really and truly turned a back on a friend, and what did I get from it, nothing.

I lost 9 months with someone who was a big part of my life go down the shitter. Drinks at the bars every 2 or 3 weeks just to have a good time never happened the random movie once in a blue moon was never seen, and enjoy a simple lunch and small talk was eaten with someone else.

Now she is moving to the rocky mountains. Where I might only see her only a handful of times probably for the rest of my life. I'll probably be able to give her a proper goodbye over a drink or two to wish her good luck in the future in the next few days, but that doesn't do justice for 9 months with her not apart of my life. At the end of all this, I'm glad were still friends, it just really really starting to sink in that I'm going to miss someone that I sincerely cared about though the majority of my college career.

The point of this post is to stress that no one should ever hold a grudge for any reason. Holding a grudge is never worth anything unless you enjoy being resentful and bitter.

And its not a good feeling once you move past it and are willing to let someone back into your life, they already moved on to better opportunities with there life, with you not a prominent member in it anymore.

I guess the only positive from this situation is that I learned this lession at 22 years of age, instead of later on in life. Everything happends for a reason, maybe one day I real realized the real reasons for my actions towards her. Until then the only thing I can do is accept how things on and continue progressing towards whatever my life is destined for.