Load Up On Gruges, And Bringing Your Friends

So this girl I know is moving to Colorado in about a week. She got a job with this Ameri-corps thing, which is basically a humanitarian based organization in which she will be doing some type of marking for them. She is where I wish I was in life right now, which is having a paid salary job with the fiscal stability to move anywhere across the country.

For most cases, when I have a friend move to a different state for a job and for school, I am usually totally excited to see them move on to the next step of life. But for this girl, its different. I honestly don't want her to go, at least not yet.

For the 10 of the last 12 months, I tried to get her totally and completely out of my life. The reasons in which I wanted to stop talking to her are very complex to say the least. Part of it is was she really was a shitty friend at times to me, part of with many emotional issues not related to her at all, and part of it was my immaturity to move past irrelevant issues of the past, and hold a grudge. I stop talking to her, deleted her number from my cell phone. Deleted her off facebook. And I would not go out drinking or attend a party in which I know she would be there. Around March of this year, I thought that I would never talk to her again and be perfectly content with it. It was want I wanted at the time, and I put myself in a position to make it perfectly clear I never wanted to associated with her again, and I succeeded.

Then life hit me like a ton of bricks. I found out that it was possible that I had developed a form of cancer, and it wasn't until that moment when I wanted to talk to her again. I remember that day I wanted to pick up my phone and call her, but I couldn't. I couldn't because I basically told her to completely and totally fuck off for the last 8 months of my life. I only told a few people about the scare, yet one of the people that I knew would care about an issue like that I put myself in a position not to be able to.

A few days later, I found out I didn't have cancer, and decided to write her a letter trying to save the friendship. She read it, and forgave me. I was honestly she did forgive me because if someone basically told me go fuck themselves for 8 or 9 months, I would be very reluctant o let them back into my life. But for whatever reason, she did, and I'm grateful for that.

Since then we hung out once or twice, and basically hung out like this whole thing didn't happen.

But looking back now, my actions towards her wasn't worth it at all. Instead of trying to fix the issues at the time I had with her, I thought she didn't deserve that respect from me and ignoring her was the best option. This was the first time I really and truly turned a back on a friend, and what did I get from it, nothing.

I lost 9 months with someone who was a big part of my life go down the shitter. Drinks at the bars every 2 or 3 weeks just to have a good time never happened the random movie once in a blue moon was never seen, and enjoy a simple lunch and small talk was eaten with someone else.

Now she is moving to the rocky mountains. Where I might only see her only a handful of times probably for the rest of my life. I'll probably be able to give her a proper goodbye over a drink or two to wish her good luck in the future in the next few days, but that doesn't do justice for 9 months with her not apart of my life. At the end of all this, I'm glad were still friends, it just really really starting to sink in that I'm going to miss someone that I sincerely cared about though the majority of my college career.

The point of this post is to stress that no one should ever hold a grudge for any reason. Holding a grudge is never worth anything unless you enjoy being resentful and bitter.

And its not a good feeling once you move past it and are willing to let someone back into your life, they already moved on to better opportunities with there life, with you not a prominent member in it anymore.

I guess the only positive from this situation is that I learned this lession at 22 years of age, instead of later on in life. Everything happends for a reason, maybe one day I real realized the real reasons for my actions towards her. Until then the only thing I can do is accept how things on and continue progressing towards whatever my life is destined for.