Waking up on the wrong side of the bed.

Today I woke up on the wrong side of the bed, to say the least. I woke up this morning having suicidal thoughts.

This is not the first time I woke up having suicidal thoughts. I been having them more and more these past two weeks.  I tried to clear my head of  them this morning by going for a run. I got in my car and started to drive off to the park, yet, I couldn't get enough motivation in myself to pursue that simple activity.I then decided to turn the car around an precede back to my house. I then debated going to Harris Teeter and buying a shit done of pills for me to take all at once, and maybe some cough syrup to wash them down with. I wouldn't take enough that would kill me, but only enough that would cause me to pass out for the rest of the day. I then soon realize that substance isn't an answer to my pain inside, and continue to go back home.

A year ago I would of taken those pills, but today I didn't. I would of took those pills, turned off my phone, and lay in such a high state that I didn't because I realized the real reason why I would want to do that for myself.

The reason why I would want to do that to myself is for attention, yet, its attention that I don't want from my friends or family. I don't want people knowing I get in these states, yet it will be nice for people to really do know how low I get at times.

You see, when someone suffers from depression like myself, they get into moods where I literally lose track on all the good things in there life. They forget about the friends they have and the family which cares about them. They forget about the movies they love, the music that moves them, and even the little things in your day that make you smile like kit-kat bar from the gas station. You literally stop caring about everything.

Yet, there are few things I realized when I get in these states. One of them is its only temporary, and these felling will end soon. I only need to ride the waves through them. The second thing I realized is that I became really good at hiding my emotions. I'm sure the people I work with, my friends, and my family can tell that I'm having a bad day, but there really is no point for me to go in detail of what I really feel on the inside. Believe me, it really gets old when people ask you whats wrong, when they don't really care to listen to what you honestly have to say. The third things I readied is talking it out with people doesn't do me much help any more. The majority of people just don't know how I feel, and asking them for help is just a waste of all there time. That is why I didn't call any of them when I pretty close to buying those pills.

And that what comes to my biggest problem I face in life. I just tend to bottle up all my emotions all the time. I bottle up and bottle up until I literally explode in a rage of anger and depression. But can you blame me? Can you? Other then writing, I have no outlet for my true emotional state. I have a few people I can depend on, but they even get tired of the bull shit after a while.

I get so frustrated  going to my friends with my emotional bull shit because they just don't know how I really feel on the inside. I'm tired of hearing things like, "Devin, you just analyze your life to much." or "Devin, just snap out of it, things are going well for you, so you shouldn't get depressed." My favorite is "Devin, we had this convocation before, and I just don't know how to help you". But they seem to say it in a manor in which they don't want to face that conservation because they get tired of my emotional bull shit.

Yet, when I do something completely irrational like take a shit tone of sleeping pills, that's when my friends freak out. They ask me "why would you do this to yourself, don't you understand that people care about you".  Yet the whole time they express how much they cared about me, the whole time I'm thinking I tried to tell you a few weeks ago, but you just didn't want to hear me vent for a half hour or so. Thais why people who suffer from depression start to withdraw from there friends. They give up on turning to them as a support system because they realize they can't help you become happy. Only you can make yourself become happy.

Again, only you can make yourself become happy.

And I learned that truth in one of the hardest manors possible.

But the fact of the matter is people who suffer from depression go through cycles where they get lose all there motiatation and want to give up on "life"  And even though a individual who suffers from depression is doing any and everything possible to get themselves happy, they still are going to get in those cycles in which they simply depressed as fuck

So what am I going to to do today. I don't know. I might just sit around and smoke cigarettes and watch movies in a pool of self pity. On a plus side, when I'm in moods like this, that is when I am most motivated as a writer. I will probably end up doing that the majority of the day. If I do get the energy to go hang out with someone, I'm not going to tell them whats really on my mind. I'm simply going to smile, keep the convocations on the surface, and simply move through my day.

Yet swimming in a pool of self pity is better then floating on cloud 9 high on a bunch of drug store pills. And a year ago, I would be high off my ass right now crying on the ground asking god why no one in this worlds understand how alone, insecure, and simply feel worthless at time. But as the years go on, I learned how to manage my lows more to prevent substances as an answer for my depression.

Plus the last time I used pills for an answer, I ended up in a psychiatric hospital for two weeks. And from my lows from depression in the past, I learned what not to do to end up back inside that psychiatric hospital.

It's funny, In a few days I'm going to go over and read this wanting to smack myself for posting this, but I need to put this online. I need this to reflect when I'm in a better mental state for me to realized how depressed I was, and how close I was to doing something irrational. And i'm sure no one is going to read this post anyway, but if they do I wan't them to try to get an inside on how I really feel at times. I want them to have an incite to a Devin that few people know or see. An incite to a Devin that he tries not to show many people.  An incite to a Devin that people wouldn't never expect was in him, but is there.

Who knows, maybe by 4:00 p.m. I will be my usual happy self again. Maybe I will still be in that pool of self pity. What really matters is whats going on with now, which is me using writing as a tool for my depression, in stead of substance.

I think a few minutes after I post this, I'm going to  try to go for a walk today in a park in south Charlotte. Maybe even pay a game of disc golf by myself to take my mind off of shit

I'm sure that will make me smile.

And a smile is honestly the best cure for a depressed individual.