Manic depression is a mood disorder that has the potential to effects every aspect of your life. In a nut shell, you go through periods of depression for an extended period of time. At the same time the individual who has manic depression can go through periods where they have vast amounts of energy known as manic. There is also a state called a mix episode, where you switch in between the two moods on a daily, if not hourly basis for an extended period of time
My disorder has effected my life in more ways then I can count. I have been hospitalize for an extended period several times in my life because of it. It has caused me to go through countless therapist, medicinal, and hours sitting around smoking cigarettes in a state of self pity wondering why I can't make my self happy.
My disorder also gave me the gift to become a very creative person. Individuals who have been diagnosed with manic depression tend to be more creative then the average person. I found that to become true for myself, my manic and depressive episodes has help me focus my outlet in life towards song writing, creative writing, and many other artistic out lets.
It has effected my relationships with my family and friends in ways I can not imaginary. I have lost friends before who couldn't handle my unpredictability towards my moods.
And that used to piss me the fuck off.
Like last year, I was sent to the psychiatric hospital for about two weeks. I then I remember about a week or two after I got out of the hospital a selected group of friends decided to stop asking me to go out drinking because they felt that I would "ruin" there good time because of my emotional issues. I remember this stereotypical frat guy who would associate with us went up to one of my good friends and said in a quite voice, "Don't tell Devin about us going out tonight, we just want to have a good time."
And that was one of the most hurtful things anyone has ever done to me. Just outright ignore the problems of someone who is mentally ill because of the possibility someone might need someone to talk to in a time of need. I even called this girl I knew who been through a similar situation with some of the same people. She out right told me over the phone that I shouldn't look for them for emotional support because all they really care about is having a good time. She said some other things about them, but I'm not going to say that because I don't feel that way towards them, but it was some of the strongest opinions I ever heard about thenm.
When I found that out, I simply stop going out and getting drunk with them. I had other friends who knew about my disorder and were not to off put by it to outright avoid me, so I drank with them instead of that group of drinking buddies I knew.
I also pushed people out of my life. The best example of this is I was once so depressed because of my family issues I literally turned one of my friends into a therapist for about a two month period. At that time, I honestly couldn't turn to anyone in my family for emotional support. And because of vast amounts of problems I had the consular at my college said that I couldn't talk to them.
- Yes, if you have a shit ton of problems and want to go to a school consular, they won't help you out if they feel your problems are too serious. They tend to only like to listen to kids being home sick, stressed from school, and having minor roommate issues. I don't see how that makes any since to me, but I'm not going to go on and rant about that. But I didn't have some medical or ensurence information or something random that prevented me from getting a professional consular at that time-
Anyway, I went towards her because she was a good listener. And I move than abused that right from here. Giving my situation, it is very understandable why I did that, but it wasn't fair towards her I put her in a position where I needed help from someone who wasn't in the position to give it to me.
Well, she soon got frustrated towards me going to her with all my issues, which is extremely understandable giving the situation. And out of frustration, she started being extremely unnecessary assertive in her actions towards me. Even when I wasn't talking about my problems and having a good time, she would so do and say things that were dis respective and many time extremely rude. That continued for two or three weeks, and I didn't say anything to her about it.
Anyway........I soon found out that my sister stole a bunch of money form my dad preventing my dad from being able to buy groceries for that week. I was so upset when I found that out like any family member would be after hearing that information. Well, that girl I was just speaking of instant messaged me over facebook chat that day asking how I been? I responded with, "Shitty, I just found out my family can't afford food."
She was like "Omg, what can I do?"
I responded with "Stop being a total and complete bitch to me." Then went on a little rant of the things she did toward me the last sever weeks that caused me to developed that perception of her. Then quickly singed off line.
The next day, I found out she ended up literally crying all day because of what I said to her. "His family can't afford food, and I'm making it worst," is what soon learn what she was feeling that day. I found out that she called her dad of what I said to her, as well as around to a few of her friends. She ended up getting drunk to cope with the fact I hurt her feeling her so much from what I said.
Since that day, we only hung maybe 4 or 5 times. And because a minor misunderstanding this year, I can't honestly say I am not really friends with her anymore. And that hurts me so much inside because that one of the very few times that my emotional issues has caused me to push someone out of my life.
And I'm honestly not mad at here for doing so, because it is my fault I did this to her. And I have no one to blame for my actions except myself.
The point of all this is friends usually only want to have a good time with each other. Yes, they can give you a shoulder to cry one at times, but the many don't want to associate with people who need a little extra emotional support. It is draining to them to have to have a friend there close to that has a mood disorder. While they might like me as a person, when you ask for things from them that come from a deep and more emotional level, they get off put by it. Maybe its because they think I'm crazy. Maybe its they wan't to help you but they don't know how. Maybe its because they think your annoying at times because of something that your born with.Maybe they think I just doing it for attention, not understanding its attention that I don't want from them, but honestly need. But the fact of the matter is many people get off put by individuals with mood disorders because they simply don't understand how they effect an individual.
Yet, I can't hold it against people who don't understand the effects of bi-polarness. How can I? Unless they have it, there is no possible way they can understand what it is like to have a mood disorder. And if the root the actions of my friends at times is ignorance, i really can't hate them because of it.
I wanted to at times, but I can't can't anymore.
Since these situations, I have learned to control my moods better so that it doesn't effect my friendships. I learned how to hide my emotions better, and become more selective to who and what I tell a select people what I feel.
I am going to have this disorder my whole life. I'm going to have my up and I am going to have my downs.
I'm just glad that I learn how to control my downs better now then how I used to in past. I'm still going to have them, but they get a little be less worst and less worst each time.
And after all the situations I been in because of my bi-polar disorder, I can sleep a little bit easier at night knowing that my next down won't be as worst as the last one, while my up's will just continue to get higher.
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